I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
