My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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