btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
