Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
