I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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