I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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