So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
