yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
