My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
