so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
he just fucked me for my cheese..
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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