the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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