Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
