Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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