just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
