I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
