She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
It's shark week go big or go home
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
