so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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