Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Randomize
