i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
