i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
