Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Pants are for mortals
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
