He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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