On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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