I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you would pick up someone in the library
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Dicks are not precious.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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