U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
There's always time for handjobs
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
