I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
