last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
