just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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