I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
