My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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