Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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