just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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