I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
