Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
