He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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