throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
