there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
