I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
