Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I lost the right to judge tonight
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
