There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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