I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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