Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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