Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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