Is it because I queefed?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
