Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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