you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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