How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
