suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
