i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
