I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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